I have it, it’s the holy grail, this is the fool proof guide to getting a baby to sleep through the night.
Avoiding harsh methods, strict routine and tears, this will see you getting that full 8 hours in no time.
So this really starts when you bring the baby home from the hospital, yes, that early on we are going to start laying the foundations for a restful nights sleep.
Even at this early age babies will fall asleep, watch them, hold them, take them to a music festival.
At this age a baby is more like a Tamagotchi. Just keep it nearby, listen out for it, feed it, clean the poop.
Have somewhere they can sleep in the front room, put them in there in the evening so you can eat massive bars of galaxy.
Once they become more aware and active I would definitely recommend putting them to bed in their bedroom rather than keeping them up with you. One snag with this is babies don’t really like being left alone in a room so you will have to go up there too.
I know this seems odd but it really is better if you spend your evenings lying motionless in a dark room waiting for the baby to fall asleep than enjoying yourself watching the soaps or spending time with your other half.
I’d say at age 4-6 months it’s essential you start worrying about your baby’s sleeping habits.
Ask a few of your friends what their babies do because really babies should all follow the same sleep patterns for the first year at least.
If your baby isn’t sleeping as well as other babies I’d suggest it really is something you’ve done wrong, I can only imagine you’ve been smiling at your baby outside of the set times or your skirting boards need a clean.
Don’t worry though, all is not lost, you can work on these things if you try hard enough, start batch cooking now so you have entire evenings free to loiter on the landing listening to your baby laughing at their hands and head butting the cot bars in the dark.
Once the baby is over six months take a trip to Mothercare. You’ll need a vibrating sheep, a light show projector and a sea horse that plays the sound of crashing waves.
Book a place on a baby massage course, see if there are any cranial osteopaths in your area and buy all the books that can be found by typing ‘help my baby sleep’ into Amazon.
You need to everything a really good go, there’s no point in doing something for a night and expecting miracles.
If none of these work don’t worry, every baby is different.
Start a loose bedtime routine. I know at this point you are low on money but you won’t regret buying a bottle of lavender scented bedtime bath.
The bottle won’t last long as you’ll find yourself adding more and more to the bath each night if baby still won’t sleep so look out for a multibuy offer on this one.
An essential stage in getting your baby to sleep through the night is resignation and cynicism.
Your baby just doesn’t sleep. Deal with it. Give up trying. HE WILL NEVER SLEEP THROUGH.
Stop telling people about it because everyone is sick and tired of you complaining and have said ‘he’ll get there eventually’ more times than they can count and actually they’re not even sure they believe that anymore.
One night go to bed as normal, do everything you have always done.
Snuggle down in bed and fall asleep.
Some time later wake up in the half light and reach for your phone.
Double check the time.
Realize you have been asleep 8/9/10 hours.
Sprint to where your child is sleeping and hold your finger under their nose to check they’re breathing.
Stand, amazed and bemused.
Why now? What did I do?
Spend the rest of the day thinking about your actions the night before, vow to do the same every night for the rest of your days in charge of this tiny human.
Written by Nat Halfpenny, a sarcastic prick who just slept 7 hours IN A ROW.