The one where I talk about The Daily Mail Article.

Whenever you write for a platform other than your own you are going to have to suck it up and accept there will be some clever editing, choice quotes used as headlines and the pictures chosen to accompany your piece may not be all that flattering.

Yes, I’m talking about my piece in the Daily Mail. However, it was not that far removed from what I originally set out to do. That is raise the issue of how women may feel about sex immediately after having a baby and maybe in the years that follow.

I have had so much positive feedback but of course I have also had my fair share of negative comments. The majority I haven’t read though luckily some readers have taken to Facebook and Twitter to leave me messages there. Which has been a treat.

The main thing that strikes me first off is the total abandonment of sisterhood. Wow women can be cats can’t they!? What pleasure it gives a person to spout off insults to someone they don’t know about their very real feelings I don’t know. You are the embarrassment. I may have sacrificed my privacy to get people talking about this and brought our dirty linen out in public but I am big enough and ugly enough to put myself out there in the chance I could help another woman, or indeed man.

What have you done hiding behind your computer screen?

The irony is not lost that a huge amount of comments have come in spouting the absolute bollocks I wrote about. Telling me my partner will leave, I’m miserable, something wrong with me.

Just No! You don’t get to bully women into sex they don’t want anymore.

A woman who is not yet out of her first year post-natal looking after four small children that is too tired and touched out for sex is not abnormal. There are huge variations of normal and I’m sure a large number of women fall in right next to me.

Maybe at some points my choice of words could have been better, for those who enjoy lifting words and taking them out of context or the very literal minds. However, when I said that being touched at the end of the day CAN sometimes make my skin crawl, I stand by that.

I’ve had lots of feedback telling me my relationship is over, I no longer fancy my partner (though after the pictures with the article I’m wondering how he manages to be attracted to me, never seen a worse case of resting bitch face!) and this is so not true. Do women not have enough to worry about once they have had a baby? Even if not for a prolonged period I am guessing that almost every woman feels off sex for a while after a baby, weeks maybe. In those precious first weeks no one needs to be worrying that they are strange, or their relationship will suffer in the long term.

One point that was raised in the heated Mumsnet debate was new parents, both men and women, where not prepared before having the baby for the effect on their sex life. I myself never attended any classes while pregnant but isn’t this something that should be talked about? No one is talking about it, because if you’re a women who admits to feeling off sex you are accused of being cold, past it and selfish. Furthermore, if you’re a man who confesses to respecting your partners feelings towards sex and accepting its not on the agenda, you’re a doormat. You need to man up ‘cos men get sex. Whenever they please it seems to me.

I have had lots of helpful (for once not being sarcastic there) people suggest if we had a break, if we scheduled in some time for us things would be different. You are absolutely right. After children it is great to find some time for just the two of you where you can unwind and catch up on all those things that never get said day to day. If you can get it. We have four young children who aren’t the most easy going when it comes to other people looking after them and not a lot of willing babysitters, time out is scarce. When we have that time of course its amazing! I wish it was something we could do more often.

I have to touch briefly on the ‘Done with sex at 26’ comments. No, not done with sex at 26. Struggling to be interested in sex 9 months after giving birth. I’m breastfeeding, as I write I have very painful mastitis and I’ve not had a period. Pregnancy and childbirth may be out the way but I am not home and dry yet, my body is still going through a lot.

Now I need to channel my inner Rhona Cameron in I’m a celebrity (Someone must remember?!)

Sometimes.

Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes.

Sometimes we’re all like that.

I’m not touched out every night, there are some evenings I feel quite energized and do stupid things like staying up until 3AM watching Borat. For the purpose of writing about this issue I felt no need to explain this.

So that’s that.

Where I have been contacted with genuine questions I have enjoyed answering them. People have told me that actually they don’t feel like this, I find that interesting, but it doesn’t make my feelings any less real so haven’t appreciated the attacks on my character.

Don’t criticize what you don’t understand and don’t troll me. It takes ages to delete your rubbish and I’m trying to get on with being perfectly happy with my life.

 

Mami 2 Five
Best of Worst

Nat Halfpenny

12 Comments

  1. I have to say that your piece really made me feel better about myself., knowing it’s not just me going through this. My husband and I are currently going through sex therapy/ as since the birth of our daughter 3 years ago I am completely in every possible form off sex. The councillor has said our relationship itself is fine, but I just need ‘resetting’! Family and friends have both offered advice of just grin and bear it not really understanding the feelings it gives me. One friend after the birth of her second however completely agreed and said it felt like she was being suffocated. Well done for putting yourself (and your husband) out there for this. My partner finds it very hard to talk about and I think shows great strength in your relationship to be able to share your story.

    • Thank you Cara. It’s more common than people will have you believe. I kind of hate the reaction to feeling like this, so many people raise the question of what its like for the male but its no picnic to be a woman feeling like this. Good luck with everything x

  2. I read your article in the Daily Mail. I agree with you. My 2 girls are 16&12 and I have the problem again. It’s hard to “feel in the mood” when you’ve got 2 teenagers in bedrooms next door to you! As parents it’s just one of those things, the Children always come first. This is something The Hubster and I are in complete agreement with. Sex is just part of a marriage, honesty, trust, communication and love are far more important to make any relationship work in my opinion.

    • Tessa I completely agree! And yes I can imagine its difficult as kids get older and are so much more aware than toddlers. I have that to come….Oh gosh!

  3. I read your article in the Daily Mail and while I totally disagree (I have young children and want and need lots of sex!) I think the comments from others were very harsh. You talk about Sisterhood and I think this is where the harshness came from because the readers (majority women) were irked at being told that MOST women, if they are honest, do not want sex when they have young children. The Daily Mail is well known for shoddy journalism but the angle was all wrong in this case, which was probably nothing to do with you. If the angle had been more of “how can I up my libido when I have small children?” I’m convinced you would have realms of well-meaning advice that you probably know already 😉 Take breaks, date night, etc. I wanted to say well done for being so brave and honest and if it helps to feel that most women feel the same way, then that is helpful for you. When you are ready to hear that many women do not feel that way then please look at the some of the resources available on the Internet and I really hope you manage to find some physical pleasure again soon.

    • Thanks for your comments Emma, completely agree with you. I did not write the headline, nor did I imply at any point all women felt the same or that women where being dishonest. Very clever of them I’m sure you will agree. Thanks for popping by and I hope you will do so again!

      • Sure! Thanks for your response. As I said, I do believe the article was worded in such a way as to invite a hostile reaction. The Daily Mail thrives on that kind of journalism! I read some of the comments: they were unbelievable. Anyway good for you for getting the debate going and also hopefully helping some women who are in the same situation. Not all women are hostile and lack Sisterhood 😉 Sincerely wishing you good luck and hopefully you will be feeling a little less tired soon 😉

  4. Wow. I haven’t read your daily mail piece but I hate to hear you are being trolled and taken out of context. I completely relate to how you feel though. Even when I had one child and now I have two, it can be very hard to feel sexy and after a day of kids climbing over me all I want is my personal space rather than anything romantic! It is good to talk about it and know I am not alone feeling like that so thank you xx

  5. I’m sorry the article has created such an air of hostility, you were so brave to be open and talk about this subject. But after 5 kids I have to say I’m with you on this one. The all touched out thing especially! My youngest two breastfed for pretty much 18 months each and the thought of having sex during that time made me cringe. two and half years since my last was born and we are sort of getting back onto the same wavelength slowly. But there’s more to life that sex! Thanks for linking up with #sundaystars

  6. I think that you are so brave writing all this down and getting it published in the Daily Mail. The argument that women must provide sex to their partner’s on demand, is so outdated. And for health reasons, you are not allowed to have sex until at least 6 weeks after the baby is born. Our bodies go through so much during pregnancy and afterwards it is not surprising that sex is the last thing on our minds. Also, looking after a newborn is knackering. When i get the chance to go to bed early, falling asleep is the only thing on my mind. Thanks so much for airing your thoughts and helping other woman know that are not alone feeling this way. And I am sorry that you have been trolled and received nasty comments. Those people are just ignorant and cowardly, Hiding behind a computer and saying things that they would never say to someone’s face. Keep being brave and writing what is in your heart. #SundaysStars. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  7. Sorry to hear you received some crap! That Daily Mail ! It was a brave piece and I can see both sides. I think I still want sex but not always at bedtime as just sometimes so tired!! Hubby and I try to have a rule of once a week if we can and it is usually after some wine on a Saturday or a random quicky in the day but must admit we don’t always manage it!!! Everyone is different and babies make such a difference. I can imagine having teenagers is an interesting time too!! Thanks for sharing with #bestandworst x

  8. I loved your original post as it was how I have been feeling.Of course everyone has an opinion which is great but to be a total arse about it is another thing entirely! xx

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