I could really leave it there.
That’s basically it.
I am absolutely beyond fed up with being so bone achingly tired.
I can manage, it’s all going okay, but I’m fed up with it.
I’m sick of getting up feeling like I was out all night drinking, I’m so done with snapping at the girls and being just a bit annoyed with the baby for making it like this, I’ve had enough of resenting Sam because he gets a full nights sleep.
The 5AM wake ups I can deal with, I actually quite like the quiet of the morning, the chance to get a lazy coffee and sit with my thoughts before getting the girls off to school.
It’s going to bed every night and feeling a sort of dread, will I get an hour before I’m awake again? Once Jasper wakes up, he doesn’t settle again. Once he is awake he fusses and moves around and wakes up until he is ready to get up for good. I fall asleep, of course I do, I’m exhausted, but I don’t get into a deep, unbroken sleep. I drift in and out as he pokes my nostrils or holds my hair or lies on my arm at an awkward angle.
Why he doesn’t sleep is a mystery. I’ve obviously gone wrong somewhere but unpicking the mess and finding out where seems impossible.
Lola didn’t sleep. Until she went into her sister’s room at 18 months she was exactly the same. Once she went into their room I stopped bringing her into our bed and within days she slept 9/10 hours a night.
With that in mind, Jasper has got to go.
This weekend he is leaving our room. We have discussed the idea of putting him straight into a bed as we did with Lola but as it draws nearer I think I will cling to the safety of a cot for a while longer.
At least then he is contained, not running riot around the house.
Whatever happens it can’t get any worse, Surely?!
I’ve loved the midnight cuddles and the sleepy feeds, that little face peering over the bars of the cot in the early hours but I need sleep.
Who knows, maybe this time next week I’ll be the one creeping in for cuddles.
I can (day)dream can’t I?