Job Title: Mum of 4.

11251114_779862575475220_4585162369760371979_n Job title: Mum of 4

Additional details: Main care giver to 4 children under 5. Other responsibilities include a dog and occasional P.A duties for incompetent male adult.

Start: Immediate

Duration: Life. No get out clause included in contract. Contract only void in the event of your tragic death, which you may at times wish for.


Catering to every whim and fancy of two 5 year old’s, a 3 year old and a year old baby. Varying levels of continence, from complete incontinence to mainly dry except on Tuesdays and in the event of a full moon and/or public holidays.

Maintain a calm and sympathetic game face at all times. Swearing and blasphemy not encouraged but acceptable when done in hushed tones with your back turned.

Three nutritious meals to be served a day, plus snacks. Can be substituted with micro chips and milky bars in emergency situations. These include during illness (read: hangovers), busy periods (Netflix marathons) and Friday afternoons when you feel you will scream if you have to tackle the slow cooker and a tin of chopped tomatoes one.more.time.

Routine must be strictly observed at bedtime. Preparations should begin between 6/7 pm, depending how much more you feel you can take. Between the hours of 7 and 10pm you should attempt to persuade children into bed, culminating in them falling asleep on the sofa at which point you will gather any remaining strength and carry them all to the beds they absolutely were not ready for. Particular care taken here to avoid toys on stairs which can undo the entire charade and take you back to step one.

Preferred methods of discipline: Never back down, until you know you cannot possibly win. Calm guidance should precede every instance of losing your shit and yelling at the top of your voice.

On call duties and occasional all night shifts. No breaks. Bring your own sandwiches/salad to avoid the need to reheat, to be eaten standing at the kitchen counter.

Holidays negotiated with partner/grandparents. Holidays are frowned upon but can be taken few and far between.

Applications: To be submitted and signed, in blood.

Dear Bear and Beany

Nat Halfpenny


  1. Oh my goodness, your article is hillarious, it’s so honest and just like you’redoing and interview, I just love the purity of it! No holds barred, so you love your kids..doesn’t mean you can’t de-stress and whine about them! Good for you, I loved the duties section!
    Definitely sharing this!
    All the best, Amy.

  2. This is hilarious, apart from the 4 kids (I have one 2 year old) this is my life! I swear on unplanned Netflix marathon days my daughter is fed emergency quick meal or as she puts it “pizza!!!”

    Brilliant post! x

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