There are some things you are prepared for when you enter into parenthood (and yes that does sound like some kind of cult, and yes it is like some sort of cult where you never really get past the initiation bit).
You know you’re going to be tired, you know they tantrum and wet their pants but there are some things no one tells you. I have been around kids my entire life and there are things I never noticed until I had my own spawn (said lovingly).
Being the tip-top human I am I have decided to share a few of these things I wish I’d known.
Kids talk all the time, I worry for my safety sometimes and that they may actually talk me to death. They talk when they have nothing to say, they say things when they don’t need to talk. It is never ending.
They chew really loud. Not just chewing either, they slurp and smack their lips together. Their mouths always seem to bit just that little bit too wet making for a very audible experience.
They love attempting to wipe their own bums after going for a poo and if it goes wrong they will take it on the chin and keep it to themselves. Sometimes I’m drying my face on my way to bed before I realize someone has used the towel to wipe their arse.
No liquid will ever be safe in your home again, every runny substance has the potential to be a fantastic ingredient in all sorts of potions. Even wee.
They know more than you think, always. You won’t find this out until they tell your deepest darkest secrets to the very people you are hiding things from.
They will spend every mealtime asking for their ‘favorite food’, except for when you make the favorite food. Then they will hate it more than anything in the world.
Throw out the Argos catalogue, don’t even think about heading to Toys ‘R’ Us. Get yourself to the nearest field and collect a good selection of sticks, leaves and stones (shinier the better). They will be occupied for hours. And for everyone’s sake never discard a stick behind their backs, they will know, they will mourn it.
They hate brushing their teeth. Hate hate hate. Except when they can do it alone and instead of using toothpaste can delight in shoving the brush up the faucet and using whatever they find up there to swill around their mouth.
If you ever ask them to walk anywhere it will take them at least an hour and they will drag their feet, leave the back door open and within 30 seconds you will have to charter a plane to collect them from the foreign country they have pegged it to.
NEVER touch them in public. They will scream bloody murder if you so much as attempt to take their hand and accuse you of hurting them.
As normal as you try to make it and as much as you play it down farts and bums are always hilarious. Especially if they have an audience.
There is no worse agony to a child than a parent trying to gently comb their hair.
If they can touch it, they will!
And lastly, never ever tell a child it is their birthday ‘soon’. They will ask every hour on the hour for the rest of eternity if it’s today. Better still, never tell them anything is going to happen at all until it is imminent. It is truly a terrifying ordeal to have to explain to a toddler the trip to the park has been cancelled, I wish it on no one!