I wrote this post after reading this original article HERE
Dear Mum of young kids who doesn’t want to have sex…
I get you. I’m with you.
You’ve been sat on and climbed on, pawed at and kissed. All. Day. Long.
Of course you love those sloppy baby kisses and the over-zealous hugs from your toddler, but there comes a point you are just done in. You have given all the physical affection you can and you are officially touched out. Putting them to bed with one more squeeze and a bedtime kiss is about all you can manage.
Every evening I flop onto the sofa and am thankful to have my body back to myself. Yes, I’m thankful for each and every one of those hugs and kisses too, but I have four kids. There’s not a lot of the day I’m not being pawed at. Or breastfeeding. Or having my face sucked.
I just want to be.
So there is nothing I find more unappealing than being kissed and held and pawed by my other half.
There I said it! I said it for all of us.
Disclaimer: I don’t hate the guy. I love him all the world and all those other cliche’s.
But you know that, you know its nothing to do with your feelings for him. Its your feelings towards being touched in this small margin of the day you can be free. Because you won’t even get the night to cuddle into yourself and spread out and stretch your tired limbs.
You have the night to feed the baby multiple times, to rock him back to sleep, to soothe toddlers back to sleep after nightmares and to change wet sheets that smell like urine. You’ll snatch sleep with a tiny hand clutching your hair or a heavy arm slung around your neck. Those kids can’t get enough of you! So you give them all you can and I know, there’s nothing left for anyone else.
If you’re like me you might try to soften the blow, you might pretend you enjoy those cuddles and kisses the man in your life wants to give you. But do you really? Because if you are like me there is nothing you enjoy less at 9pm on a Tuesday night. Truth is those kisses and cuddles can make my skin crawl, never mind anything more. Again, this is nothing to do with the feelings I have for him, its my feelings towards being expected to surrender my body yet again, when I just got it back.
Good news though, there are things you can do.
You can take a long bath once all your kids are asleep and wash away those sticky fingers and the crumbs in strange places. You can tell your other half that no, he cannot join you. He cannot come into the bathroom and talk to you while you’re in there. You have shared everything all day and you are having this for you.
You can accept that as a Mum, sometimes we have to do things we’d rather not. Like getting up at 5AM and watching Waybuloo. Or being smooched to within an inch of your life. You kind of owe it to your kids to dance to the beat of their drum sometimes.
You don’t owe it to your husband or partner to have sex when you don’t want to. Nu uh huh.
You owe that to no one.
So frickin what if he doesn’t understand, tough shit. Come back when you’re no longer a sullen little boy if that’s okay pal.
I have heard it so often, ‘I feel so bad for John we rarely have sex’. Arggghhh.
I don’t feel bad for John and neither should you.
You might be married (you might not be, high five!) but you did not sign over the rights to your body. You did not enter into a contract whereby you are obliged to put aside your feelings to protect his.
Its the most absurd thing, imagine your 14 year old daughter coming to you and saying, ‘I had sex with Leyton, I didn’t really want to but he was disappointed and I felt bad’. You’d be livid she had given herself away like that. Protect yourself like you’d protect her, if you don’t want to you don’t have to.
I understand that sometimes he might try to bargain and cajole and convince you. But no is no, it is not an opening for a discussion. Its the end of the conversation.
You’re not alone, lots of women deal with the backward attitude that they should put up and shut up. Be patient and hang in there, maybe by the time our daughters are in relationships themselves we will have raised our sons to know they are not entitled to anyone’s body. And it will be glorious.
A Mum who knows her worth.