It was nagging at the back of my mind, I needed to know one way or the other. So I waited 3 minutes and then;
There you were
I held my future in my shaking hands as I walked downstairs and told Daddy.
There was a you.
I’ll tell you now, he was thrilled. He beamed from ear to ear and he loved you then. He adored you and cherished you and made plans in his head for the games you’d play and the things he would teach you.
I went to wash the dishes.
I was too scared to think about the things we would do, I couldn’t imagine how there could be room for you, in more ways than one.
So days and weeks went by and I kept you a secret. I couldn’t bare for people to ask the questions I had no answers to. How was I going to cope? Where would you sleep? How could we afford to take care of you?
And then I was sick, so so sick. And I was alone and feeling guilty that I couldn’t give my girls what they needed so I told someone. And they asked all the questions I was asking myself in every spare minute of the day, I couldn’t answer and felt more lost than ever. But it made you real.
I looked at cribs and tiny baby clothes and we talked about getting a new car. I filled my mind with all the things you would need and kept you snug in my tummy. I ate the right things and avoided the things that might harm you. While I had a chance to be the Mum you deserved I grabbed it with both hands and protected you as best I could.
And then you were on the screen.
And you were my boy.
They told me there might be something wrong, that my body might harm you, but I shouldn’t worry. You were safe for now.
I went home and I read up on what they told me. You weren’t safe and it wasn’t alright.
In that moment I knew I had been in love with you from that very first glimpse of the two lines in the little window. I had loved you and my fear had overshadowed that love but now the fear of anything ever happening to you blew any other doubts out of the water. You were mine and I would do anything to protect you.
In the few weeks until that reassuring meeting with the very jolly Doctor I talked to you and sang to you. I lay in the bath and felt your tiny limbs move as I let water wash over your safe little nest. I looked forward to meeting you and made plans for your arrival.
Once I knew you were really and truly safe I wanted to tell everyone about you, I wanted the world to know how happy I was you were mine and nothing could put a damper on my excitement.
When my carefully thought out plans for your birth went out the window I barely batted an eye, soon I would have you in my arms and nothing else on this earth mattered but you. That was no mean feat for a control freak like me but you have a magical way of showing me its okay for things to go wrong sometimes.
And then you were born and I hadn’t realized that I was still holding on to a tiny bit of fear, that you wouldn’t be okay, but I held you and finally got to see with my own two eyes I had got you here safely. Everything would be easier now I had you in my arms and I would move mountains for you.
I wish I had known, way back in August 2014, how easy it would be to be your Mum. Yes, I’m tired, so frickin tired all the time, and I never have my shit together and I’m usually just a bit too shouty but caring for you and loving you is the most natural thing in the world.
And Now You Are One.
Your never ending smiles brighten the world. Everybody loves you. You’re smart and you are funny, like really funny, with a wit beyond your tiny 1 year.
More than anything you’re my pal, we knock about together and sometimes rub each other up the wrong way but I’ve got your back from now until forever little guy.
You’ve shown me I can do anything I want to and taught me I should never fear the unknown, because that’s where you find the biggest adventure.