The Web I Weave…

10 times I have lied in my career as a parent.

‘She was coloring this morning’

Sometimes I let my kids go to bed with felt tip on their hands, sometimes I’m too busy to wash it off in the morning and sometimes- just sometimes- we are taking coats off at school before I remember and though I do a quick lick wash it’s never enough.

‘I didn’t have time to tidy’

LIE. LIE LIE LIE.

I tidied all morning to get my house to this below-par standard.

‘Yeah, I sometimes have a glass of wine in the evening’

Replace the last word with ‘Morning’ and we finally see some truth!

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‘I’ve got Dinner in the oven, better go’

Read: I’ve got micro chips in the freezer and they ain’t gonna nuke themselves!

‘Glass of water girls?!’

I don’t know if I’m alone here but whenever we have visitors I feel an overwhelming need to pretend my children are used to this healthy tipple. They are not, they live on sugary fruit juices that are going to rot their teeth clean away by next April. They always betray me, so I don’t know why I bother with this charade.

‘I don’t know where they’ve heard that!’

Yes I do, Me! I can never be outraged at the girls appalling language when I know they learnt it from my very own potty mouth. In my defense I don’t use any of the very terrible words. Just the marginally offensive ones. I am slightly responsible.

‘I’ll tell you one more time’ 

This is a lie I constantly tell my children, they know full well I will tell them on average 435 more times as I am clueless as to what to do otherwise. Same goes for ‘I’ll count to 3’. I could stand there counting to infinity and beyond and it would make no difference. I’m no authority, just an idiot standing there counting while my kids reap havoc.

‘Yes they’ve had dinner’

Just a tiny little lie, by saying they have had dinner I guess I lead people to believe they have eaten a cooked meal. They haven’t, they have had cereal. Or in worse case scenarios, bread and butter. 1226682_380974165364065_431704648_o

‘I haven’t had a minute to myself all day’

I probably have, but what I mean by this is I had no minutes I wanted to change the bins/wash the dishes/hoover. There were probably a number of minutes free during my day to scroll through tumblr or lie in bed with the baby crawling over me.

‘Cheeky little rascals, colored the wall/smashed the glass panels in the door/broke the taps/stuck stickers all over the fire surround, the other day’

They did that 3 years ago, but luckily this is your first and hopefully last visit to my home so who are you to know when the incidents occurred or how tardy we are with our DIY.

Hopefully I’m not alone, I’d dread to think this is actually very strange behaviour and I’m just a compulsive liar!

What fibs do you tell in the line of duty?


Nat Halfpenny

5 Comments

  1. So funny! I love the picture of your child licking the ice cream 🙂 Can relate to many of these. My daughter keeps says ‘Soz’. It’s not a bad word obviously but it sounds terrible coming from a 4-year-old. Totally my fault, urgghh. #chucklemums

  2. I will often lie and say that the snail trail of snot was wiped onto my clothes as I dropped C off at nursery, not the truth which is that I put it on that way!

  3. Loved this – It is all true (although I usually wait until after lunch to raid the wine rack). I use my kids as an excuse for everything. Shocking but what else are they for?? Thanks for linking to #chucklemums 😀

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