7:30 AM- Wake up, say good morning to delightful smiley baby, greet rosy cheeked children and pat them on the head with a smile.
8AM- Smugly sip coffee whilst baby entertains himself and children watch cartoons.
9AM- Put on a load of washing, look out the window and appreciate the view. Wipe kitchen counters while humming along to ‘Lovely day’ by Bill Withers.
10AM- Settle mild disagreement between the kids without too much bother, suggest a trip to the park this afternoon.
11AM- Hear ‘Is is lunch time? Have I had lunch? What’s for lunch? Can I have a yogurt?’ On repeat for the next hour. Feel your smile become wider and more forced and your tone get higher.
12PM- Lunchtime! Prepare tasty and nutritious meal and serve to children. Watch as they refuse to eat a single bite. Tell them its that or nothing. Watch them walk away from the table and mutter ‘nothing’ as they stride out of the room.
12:20- Just as you scrape lunch into the bin 1,2 or 3 children re-enter kitchen feeling ravenous. Stand firm that they are absolutely not having anything more to eat.
12:30- Settle all children with a bag of crisps in front of the TV.
12:30-2:00 Attempt to tidy kitchen and settle baby for much needed nap whilst policing kicking fights, crisp theft and general arse-hole-ary.
2PM- Pick poo of unknown origin off bedroom floor.
2:10- Roll toilet rolls back up after they have been ‘raced’ down the stairs.
2:20- Remove 3 year old from windowsill and explain that dancing naked for passers by is not a good thing to. Take the barrage of abuse you get for this with dignity. You know you are not a horrible poo face really.
2:30- Put on film popular with children the world over and suggest everyone has a quiet sit down. Argue it is not rubbish and boring and a bag of sick.
2:35- Have a sit down whilst children leap frog over you shouting ‘Oh Wow the troll nearly got me that time! Look how ugly it is!’.
2:45- Be reminded you promised a trip to the park. Hate self forever.
3PM- Get ready for a trip to the park. Chase each child with their coat and other outerwear. Convince them to pack lightly and not bring 7 stuffed toys each. Wrestle the space hoppers off them. Fasten baby into pram and make sure he is sufficiently warm. Take baby out of pram, undress and change poopy nappy. Fasten the now screaming little doll into his pram again. Search for 3 year old who has bolted out of front door. Drag her from underneath next doors car. Tell children they can no longer go to the park on account of this incident.
4PM- Leave for the park.
4:10-5PM- Have fairly relaxing time at the park refusing to participate at all due to the baby needing you/partial deafness.
5PM- Suggest home time and enter alternate universe where your children speak only in high pitched squeals and weigh 3 tonne each. Attempt to drag/carry/throw all children in the direction of home. Sweat profusely but never take off a layer as that’s one more thing to carry. Wonder what you did wrong.
5:40- Arrive home and bustle about. Make instant noodles for dinner. Down a glass of wine to get you to bedtime.
6PM-8PM- Be outraged by every question your other half asks you on his return from work.
‘Done much today darling?’…’Done much? You selfish Bastard, what do you know?!. I’d like to see you stay at home with all these!’.
8PM- Take turns to watch each child sleeping and gently stroke their heads as you breath in their gorgeous scent and wonder how you ever came to be so lucky as to have them in your life. Quickly dive onto floor as they stir so they don’t see you and try to chat.